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Nagging: Are You Guilty of It?

“Clean up after yourself!” “Pick up your wet bath towel!” “Shut the light when you leave the room!” These are a few of the things I would scream –  like a broken record – to get my family to do some obvious chores and necessary conveniences. But I was not always successful, nor was I really every heard.

There are always tons of things that need to get done and no time for you to do it all.  That’s why you are so persistent in coordinating things with verbal reminders. However, isn’t it true that being a nag is just as bad as being nagged?  Of course it is.  Which can you relate to?  Just in case you’re doing the nagging, here are some tips to redirect your behavior so you can avoid the frustration and resentment that comes with it.

1. The most efficient thing you can do is handle the task you want done, yourself.  In that way, you don’t have to wait, and it will give you some “brownie points” with the family, when you don’t harp on it.

2. Assign chores that you know the person is capable of doing in a timely fashion.  For instance, if you prefer a clean kitchen and your partner likes a clean bathroom, those are the jobs you are both responsible for.

3. Everything does not have to be perfect. Sometimes a partial effort is as good as getting something completely done.

4. Remember that things don’t always have to be done in YOUR time frame, even though you’re sure you know what’s best. Be a little less demanding, and the job will get done, without slacking.

5. The fewer obligations you have, the better.  So don’t overload yourself with commitments that are hard to complete. Learn to say NO.

6. You know you are nagging someone when they tell you so.  It’s not a subtle hint; it’s an outright statement by the person being nagged. Listen to what they’re saying and then “stop.” However, at some point later, have a discussion about how to finish jobs that are important.

Nagging is actually a habit that can be easily broken with mindful awareness.  In other words, catch yourself as you repeat over and over again the job you want done. Know that if you sound like a broken record, the person is probably not really listening.   Ask for things in a playful, sweet tone, rather than with an angry, demanding insistence and you’ll get more positive results.  Maybe the best solution is to work together as a team, coming up with agreed upon compromises, to make peace and harmony in your home an attainable goal.

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Lies & Other Deceptions

Who hasn’t told a little white lie so you didn’t have to meet someone for lunch or go to a party?  Actually, occasionally telling a white lie may be helpful when you are managing your interpersonal relationships.  However, one of the fundamental aspects of healthy relationships is being able to trust and depend on the other person, so chronic lying can get you in trouble.  In fact, excessive lying can be considered a character flaw.

When would it be OK to lie to someone?  Here are a few instances when you can be perhaps justified to lie:

1. If what you say would be downright hurtful, you may want to fudge the truth.  “You have the cutest baby,” doesn’t hurt anybody, and it may be the nicer thing to say than to comment of the baby’s faults.

2. If you’re asked how you’re doing and you say great, you are theoretically lying, if you’re worried about your hernia operation tomorrow.  You just don’t feel like sharing because the information is too personal and invades your privacy.

The little white lie should have its roots in compassion and be motivated by kindness and humanity.  In other words, it’s meant to disguise an awkward or uncomfortable discussion that ordinarily would lead to something insulting or cruel.  When it is derived for no reason or based on a passive-aggressive desire to get back, it is no longer benign and you are heading into major problems.

Most people feel that lying is immoral and distasteful and that if you are lied to, it is a betrayal. With that in mind, do you find yourself stretching or falsifying the truth – once, twice, five times a day? Do you lie so much that you forget what you say and wind up lying some more?  Are you actually lying to yourself about the true reasons for your occasional white lies?  Do your lies cushion you from facing what’s truly going on?

Some people are wired differently which makes it easier for them to lie.  Apparently, they have more white matter (connective tissue in the brain) and less grey matter (the material found in the prefrontal lobe of the cortex which helps you deal with moral issues).   If you have more grey matter, you have more moral restraints and more tools to keep the impulse to lie under control.

So, where do you stand in the parameters of lying?  Are you an occasional, situational liar, whose intent is not to hurt someone else, or are you a chronic, habitual liar, who lies for the sake of it?

“No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar,” says honest Abraham Lincoln.  Be careful how often you lie, because you don’t want to destroy your integrity so that no one believes what you say any more.

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Are Your Going Through a Midlife Crisis?

As you transition through life, you are making many changes and going through many different stages.  With a life expectancy of 78 (5 years longer for women), when you turn about 40, you are entering what is known as middle age.  Everyone goes through this transition, but not everyone experiences the same thing.  Often times, men will feel the impact of these changes more severely and with more difficulty than women.

When do the trials and tribulations of everyday life turn into a midlife crisis and how do you know you are in it?  Good question. It really depends on the degree to which you feel you can handle it. How deep is your inner dissatisfaction? How much has your self-esteem and confidence affected your ability to function?  How often do you second-guess your choices?  What’s causing the confusion about who you are or where your life is going?

A true midlife crisis may take years to resolve and you may feel helpless, disappointed, distressed, entrapped or even just bored.   Sometimes you think it’s easier to hold on to your “youth” and just ignore the changes. Getting past the crisis is difficult because it takes much insight, patience and strength to do something about it. 

Realize, you may be aging, but it doesn’t mean you’re getting old.  Midlife is an exciting time.  According to Marianne Williamson, author of “The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife,” she says, “What we have called middle age need not be seen as a turning point to death.  It can be seen as a magical turning point to life as we’ve never known it, if we allow ourselves the power of an independent imagination.”

With children older or out of the house, you have the opportunity to spend time on things you most enjoy.  Make it a fun time of your life. Even though the crisis is bound to transform you, you will also be transforming what it means to go through midlife.  Therefore, set new goals and develop new hobbies.  See, explore and discover who you are now.  It’s a time for rebirth and renewal.  Re-examine your past choices and commitments and revise them into an exciting and different journey ahead.  Refocus your time and energy on doing new things that are more important to you, like going back to school or planning an adventurous vacation.

Here are some things you can ask yourself to be sure you are heading in the right direction:

1. Are my thoughts directed on lifelong learning and personal growth?

2. Can I maintain my sense of purpose and be driven to fulfill a certain goal or passion?

3. Do I believe that life is to be lived and that I am entitled to live it through fun and frivolity?

4. Am I attuned to my body so that I practice healthy eating and exercise routines?

5.  Do I feel younger than my chronological age and enjoy being around people younger than I am?

6.  Can I rely on others to help me get through difficult times that are causing a lot of stress?

7.  Do I believe that every year I am getting better and better?

8.  Am I able to enjoy a healthy and hearty sense of humor?

9. Am I able to pace myself and find time to smell the roses?

When faced with approaching changes, you need to remind yourself of how well you’ve done before handling previous crises. You may think you don’t have the strength or the endurance to deal with things this time, but you do. Part of the universal lesson in all this, is knowing that you CAN handle most anything and that things will get easier as time goes on.  Shakespeare said, “This, too, shall pass” and it will.

It takes courage and work to face the changes at this stage of your life, but the ultimate result is something extraordinary.  You will find that the journey is wonderful and that it reveals a new expression of yourself that embraces your giant leap into living the rest of your life.

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A Healthy Dose of Laughter Therapy

Laughter is contagious and good humor is easily passed on to other people around you.  Basically, it feels good to feel good, and laughter is the key to changing your mood and spirit.  Of course you can’t always be in a good mood.  Some people and situations are so annoying that it’s almost impossible to stay pleasant and friendly.  However, those people who find laughter in everyday life are using humor as a healthy form of therapy.

There is a whole new field of therapeutic laughter where humor is used to treat chronic pain associated with cancers, arthritis, depression, and anxiety.   Many doctors and therapists prescribe to their patients a daily dose of jokes, comedies, games, light-hearted movies or anything that causes a hearty belly laugh or at least a few good chuckles.

Research is showing that by watching a 15-30 minute segment of a funny sit-com or movie, you can  increase blood flow to the heart and reduce the strain and stress put on it.  Even the anticipation of laughter has benefits by lowering stress hormones and increasing your natural pain defenses.  Just 10 minutes of good hearty laughter can keep you pain free for hours.

I recommend watching reruns of MASH, Seinfeld, Raymond, Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory for a guaranteed daily dose of laughter.  Google Jay Leno’s Headlines for a jolly belly laugh and old–time comedians like Carl Reiner, Sid Caesar, Mel Brooks, etc can be just what the doctor ordered.

Encouraging others to laugh will help you maintain your sense of humor and develop it into a daily habit.  Not only will you learn to appreciate the lighter side of life, but you will also live longer, since laughter is associated with boosting immune cell activity and reducing the high levels of stress hormones linked to certain diseases.

Laughing makes you feel better and it’s also a lot of fun.  When you see people laughing, you can’t help but join in to share in their merriment.  Laughter is truly contagious.  Don’t just catch the bug.  Spread it around!

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A Boomers Secret to Success

There is more to life than planning for retirement. It’s really about making good choices and living life to the fullest.  It’s about making a promise to yourself to discover the joyous secrets that will change the rest of your life.  Here are some steps to follow that will make the process easier:

  • Review your overall attitude by examining your thoughts. Do you express your limitations, fears, inhibitions and self-defeating thoughts often and find yourself affirming the worst that can happen? Notice when bad things happen and what you say during the course of the scenario. For instance, if you get into a car accident, is the first thing you say, “It’s only a car and I can get it fixed. As long as everyone is OK” or do you say, “Why does this always happen to me?  That other driver was such an idiot.  This is something else I have to deal with.”

Question or challenge this thought process to understand that your negative style of thinking was taught to you at an early age and that you can unlearn it.  Your thoughts are reflecting your belief system, which is probably holding you back and keeping you from fulfilling your dreams.

  • Review how flexible you are in terms of being open and receptive to new ideas. Think of this as stepping out of your comfort zone. You are probably so used to doing things and thinking things a certain way that it is hard to act differently.  But I suggest you try being, acting, thinking and even speaking differently and see how that feels.

Everyone wants a quick fix to their problems, but there is really no such thing.  However, if you are open and receptive to new ideas and ways of thinking, maybe the new idea will be just what you need to turn your life around.

  • Review your coping skills.These are the skills you use to help you deal with stress.  How effective are they? If you drown out your sorrows with a gallon of ice cream, instead of just a scoop, then your skills are not working for you.  After all, putting on thirty pounds is self-defeating and unproductive, as you probably already know.

Change your perspective and your world will instantly change. With a new, fresh vision for the future, you may be completely overwhelmed by your good fortune, but enjoy it, because you have mastered the secret to a successful life.

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